Tomorrow is the day!

Eliza (l) and Harper (r) came to see me in the hospital a couple of times

 For anyone who struggles with depression - full disclosure: I do - hospital bed rest is not the most conducive environment for achieving the best outlook on life. You're in a room alone for 75% of the day (if you're lucky enough to have visitors or a chatty nurse). You eat in your bed. You sleep as much as you want. You have unlimited re-runs of "Friends" available. You stare at the ceiling, running through every possible scenario related to your pregnancy, your children, your marriage, your life. You wonder what the house will look like when you get home and if your kids will recognize you.

Needless to say, after twelve days in the hospital, I was feeling pretty deflated. But, I had made it to 34 weeks in my pregnancy, my blood pressure was stable and my doctor agreed to let me go home. Hallelujah! 

I made it 48 hours before my blood pressure spiked and I had to come back to good old room 260. The nurses said nobody else even occupied the room while I was gone - it was that quick of a turn around. Apparently being home and not being in control really stressed me out!

Actually, being home was a wonderful break and it was worth every minute. It was so great to be around Harper, Eliza, Dave and my mom for a couple of days, to sleep in my own bed, to eat home cooked food and to not have to listen to the television through that little crackly ear piece they have at the hospital.

Harper is a rock star!

Plus, Harper waited until I was home to do the most awesome thing! She sat up from laying on her back all on her own! Now, I know this sounds small, but for Harper it's huge. In order to sit up, she has to roll to her good side and then use her good hand to push herself up to sitting. She's been getting stronger and making a lot of progress in her gross motor skills, but everything up to this point was small and incremental and you would only notice it if you knew her well and were able to pick up on subtle changes. But, walking into her room to get her from a nap and seeing her just sitting there, smiling, knowing what it took for her to get to that position was pure heaven! I mean, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I'm so thankful she gave me that memory to hold onto while I'm back in the hospital.

My final pregnant photo!

But, I'm about to have plenty of other memories because the doctor feels like given my long term blood pressure issues, it's time to deliver Tiny!!! My sweet little boy is scheduled to be delivered by c-section tomorrow at noon. I'll be 34 weeks and 3 days pregnant at that point and, although I would have loved to make it further, I'm feeling pretty good about where I am. At this point it seems like every day longer that I carry Tiny with this high blood pressure is like rolling the dice with regards to my own personal health - mental and physical - and it's not worth risking that any further.

The most difficult part about Tiny's delivery is the fact the he will have to be in the NICU for some period of time. That has really been one of the biggest driving forces of the last few weeks is to do everything I can to keep this pregnancy stable so he would be able to go home with me from the hospital. To say that I'm not disappointed it has come to this would be a lie. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so excited about the possibility of a "normal" pregnancy. I spent a lot of time imagining what it would be like to be able to hold my son from the moment he was born and breast feed him right away, to have him in my lap as they wheeled me to the car to head home. However, I find myself adjusting my expectations again. You'd think after everything I've been through in the last two years, I would have learned my lesson, that I'd be better at even setting these expectations to begin with. But, what kind of life would I lead if I didn't imagine my ideal outcome and then challenge reality to live up to it? I'll never know because that's not how I roll...

 5-11-12 seems like as good a birthday as any. Can't wait to meet my son tomorrow!!



**I'm going to try to get Dave or my sister to post updates here tomorrow, but it might be Saturday, when I am lucid, before I get a picture here.  Facebook is a more likely possibility.